Eddie called me.
He wants to know how to navigate Twitter and its complicated interface.
I ask him what’s new, and why he suddenly wants to be active on a platform he once called “the idle people’s app.”
He asks me if I’m aware of his love for women. I tell him that even the devil is aware of his weakness for femininity.
He says that he’s getting somewhere. I ask him to go on.
He says he now loves the internet too. I ask him if he has gotten over his age-long grouse against the internet and social media. He says he has. That what he has seen on Twitter in the last few days has redefined his perspective.
I ask him to tell me what’s happening. He asks if I have heard about the #SilhouetteChallenge. I tell him that I have.
He says that it’s the best gift the internet has gifted humanity, especially in trying times like this.
I fail to hold back the hysterical laughter. I tell him that I will not deprive the rest of the gang from the gist, and that he should call me back when the quorum is formed.
In the evening he calls me again. This time the house is full.
Mallam Hassan asks if I’ve gotten my missing rib. Eddie interjects that I’m too young to tie myself down with such misfortune. That the internet is a gift that keeps giving, and if I get myself hooked with anyone now I would be missing out on the gifts of the internet.
Mr. Cele asks what he’s talking about.
Tokunbo informs us that Eddie now has a new obsession. Mallam Hassan asks Eddie to confess.
Eddie says that liberated women have decided to share their God-given gifts with us, and he has not been able to put off his internet data ever since.
Tokunbo tells the gang about the #SillhouetteChallenge. Even shows everyone around some of the videos. Mallam Hassan says subhanallah.
Mr. Cele is scandalized, and starts to swear that the internet is the devil’s greatest invention after Okpa. But he goes on to ask Tokunbo to show him more of the videos.
Mallam Hassan asks Mr. Cele why he wants to watch more of the videos that offends his moral sensitivity. Mr. Cele tells Mallam Hassan to mind his business.
Mallam Hassan asks what the long-term risk factors are for the young girls who put out videos of their bare body. Mr. Cele starts to point out that in the near future the women may come back to regret this.
Eddie says that he wants to hear nothing of that. That the universe would always reward women who are not frugal with the display of their bodies. He says if he was God he’d have reserved a special place in his kingdom for them.
Mallam Hassan digresses from the conversation to ask me how I’ve been putting up in this hole.
I tell the house about the exhaustive parades, the lethargic afternoon lectures and the mischievous soldiers. (I now believe that all soldiers take a short course on Hausa exclamations).
Of course I complain about the heat in the hostel, too, and blame it on the changing weather conditions. I also complain about the clattering noise of rain strokes when the first rain came. The vociferous noise was very disorienting for me.
However, Mallam Hassan asks about the building quality of the hostel.
I tell him the brick quality is solid and the grounds are tiled. He asks about the roofing. I tell him that the sheets are metal roof sheets.
Then he points out that metal roofing makes so much noise when it rains since metal sheets have loud echo chambers, and said that modern buildings are constructed with a sort of roofing that blocks the noise away.
(Sorts of reminds me of how, while in the office, I sometimes do not even realize it’s raining outside).
He explains that there are also soundproof metal roofs now and his newest house has one of those installed.
I duly inform him that I’ll let the authorities know. They all laugh. We call it a night as Eddie goes back to ogle at naked women in silhouettes on Twitter.
This morning, Tokunbo texts me that Eddie found his sister’s silhouette challenge video on a Twitter thread. He doesn’t like the internet anymore.