Tokunbo always says the same thing. That she cannot be with a man who is heavy on social media use. Eddie always insists that only women with crooked ways have anything to fear about social media. Tokunbo would say social media is one big bedroom. Eddie would counter that any woman who hasn’t seen more boxers than Muhammed Ali has nothing to worry about in a bedroom. 

On Friday, while I was getting myself indulged in my shenanigans during the birthday celebration of my managing-director at the office, Eddie started to blow up my phone. Strange because he almost never calls me during work hours. I picked the call and I could hear his palpitations over the speakers. He said Tokunbo was right, that social media has become one big bedroom. I asked him what happened and he said he was currently in a Clubhouse chatroom where two of his exes are present. 

I asked him to leave the room immediately but he said he needed to be there to determine what the devil is planning to do with them in his life. I wished him good luck and ended the call.

At Metroville last night, Eddie went on a long diatribe, bemoaning the proliferation of new social media platforms on the internet. Mallam Hassan asks him when that became a problem.

Eddie replies that the world is getting smaller and smaller with every new social network introduced. Tokunbo says that it’s a good thing, because networking between associates will become easier. Eddie says he wants to hear none of that nonsense. That he’s tired of all his exes knowing themselves now, and cries about how the Abuja dating scene has become so small, he now has to “import” women from Port-Harcourt.

Mallam Hassan starts to shake his head in the cute bemusement of adults trying to comprehend the modern dilemma of children nowadays. Tokunbo is slouching on her seat and laughing out loud. Mr. Cele is as scandalized as ever, gaping at Eddie with so much pious condescension you could swear that he has given up on Eddie’s redemption forever.

Tokunbo asks Eddie if he has finally conceded that having a partner who uses a lot of social media has its disadvantages. Eddie grudgingly agrees. 

Mallam Hassan asks Eddie why he has a problem with sticking to one or two women at the same time. Mr. Cele quickly raises an objection to the question, and demands to understand how a man can “stick to two women”. Mallam Hassan, a man with three wives and a new one in the works,  overrules the objection, and declares that a man like Mr. Cele does not understand the wonder of substitutes. 

Back to the question—Eddie says that keeping two stable women is more economically disadvantageous in these times, especially when women turn you into their personal debit outlet the moment they get comfortable enough. 

Our drinks are served and the waitress passes the glasses off the trays. Tokunbo asks Eddie if he found a “fish” to catch in his new sojourn into the Clubhouse app. Eddie says that even though he concedes that he’s a lifetime philanderer, sometimes he uses his internet for other things other than scouting women.

Of course we all refuse to believe him. So he explains that he joined a Clubhouse chatroom where they discussed issues related to housing and interiors.

I ask him what he was doing there. He explains that he’s been looking for how to create more space in his house, since women who come around to his house seem to take too much space in the house with their stuff.

He shares with us tips he learned from the chatroom, which includes declustering your kitchen, getting more closet furnitures to tidy fabrics and loose fittings better, getting rid of junks rather than hiding them in the garage and so on.

Mr. Cele added that he should also consider maximizing space in his bedroom by ensuring his closets are used properly. He explained that a trick he uses is storing out of season clothing in under bed storage containers and investing in closet organizers that separate types of clothes, accessories, shoes, and more. Especially that of his wife, who manages to accumulate more stuff that she has need for.

Every closet can use functional organizing, he says.

Mallam Hassan also suggests getting rid of anything that has a duplicate in function. For example, making use of a fixture for multiple functions as against having a fixture for individual functions.

Mr. Cele asks Mallam Hassan if he intends to apply the logic to the wives he is accumulating. Mallam Hassan asks Mr. Cele to mind his business.